Thursday, July 29, 2010

Do You Suffer From ASD?

I am not doctor and I don't play one on TV. And to my knowledge ASD is not officially a diagnosable medical issue. Although after you read my explanation of what it is, you may realize that you too have contracted it.

I have it, I think my wife has it, and my daughters will probably end up with it.

ASD is Acronym Stress Disorder.

Symptoms include becoming agitated whenever you receive phone calls or mail from any organization that uses acronyms. Extreme stress usually occurs when the organization only has 3 initials.

For example:
C.I.A. (Central Intelligence Agency) - "intelligence?!?!?!? really?!?!?!? ever hear of something called 9-11... somebody really dropped the ball here... either the analysts in the field missed it or the suits in the corner offices didn't believe the analysts.

I.R.S. (Infernal... er, I mean... Internal Revenue Service) - they are always trying to tell you how much money you have to send them

I.N.S. (Immigration & Naturalization Service) - they want to tell you who can come into the country... not that anybody is listening... HEY ARIZONA! Keep fighting the good fight.

F.D.A. (Food & Drug Administration) - they want to tell you what you can eat and how much of it....

A.T.F. (Alcohol, Tobbaco & Firearms) - um, yeah.... somebody got bored and decided to see how bizarre of an organization they could come up with.

D.M.V. (Department of Motor Vehicles) - in my opinion, every location of the DMV has a time-dilation device installed because as soon as you walk in the front door, time in the building moves much slower than time outside the building. One day, I saw someone get dropped off and when their ride came back to pick them up, the driver's hair had turned gray and he had grown a beard.

B.o.A. (Bank Of America) - "Bank Of Opportunity" my big toe! The only opportunity you have with them is the opportunity to give them half your checking account balance each month due to fees and surcharges. And it's not just them, it's almost every bank in the country these days. (They just have a 3-letter acronym)

So what can be done? How do you treat A.S.D.?

Unfortunately, there is no known cure for A.S.D. But if you can help me convince the H.o.R and the U.S.S. (House of Reprentatives and United States Senate) to give me a large financial grant, I will research this problem because no one should have to live with A.S.D.

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