Thursday, July 29, 2010

Do You Suffer From ASD?

I am not doctor and I don't play one on TV. And to my knowledge ASD is not officially a diagnosable medical issue. Although after you read my explanation of what it is, you may realize that you too have contracted it.

I have it, I think my wife has it, and my daughters will probably end up with it.

ASD is Acronym Stress Disorder.

Symptoms include becoming agitated whenever you receive phone calls or mail from any organization that uses acronyms. Extreme stress usually occurs when the organization only has 3 initials.

For example:
C.I.A. (Central Intelligence Agency) - "intelligence?!?!?!? really?!?!?!? ever hear of something called 9-11... somebody really dropped the ball here... either the analysts in the field missed it or the suits in the corner offices didn't believe the analysts.

I.R.S. (Infernal... er, I mean... Internal Revenue Service) - they are always trying to tell you how much money you have to send them

I.N.S. (Immigration & Naturalization Service) - they want to tell you who can come into the country... not that anybody is listening... HEY ARIZONA! Keep fighting the good fight.

F.D.A. (Food & Drug Administration) - they want to tell you what you can eat and how much of it....

A.T.F. (Alcohol, Tobbaco & Firearms) - um, yeah.... somebody got bored and decided to see how bizarre of an organization they could come up with.

D.M.V. (Department of Motor Vehicles) - in my opinion, every location of the DMV has a time-dilation device installed because as soon as you walk in the front door, time in the building moves much slower than time outside the building. One day, I saw someone get dropped off and when their ride came back to pick them up, the driver's hair had turned gray and he had grown a beard.

B.o.A. (Bank Of America) - "Bank Of Opportunity" my big toe! The only opportunity you have with them is the opportunity to give them half your checking account balance each month due to fees and surcharges. And it's not just them, it's almost every bank in the country these days. (They just have a 3-letter acronym)

So what can be done? How do you treat A.S.D.?

Unfortunately, there is no known cure for A.S.D. But if you can help me convince the H.o.R and the U.S.S. (House of Reprentatives and United States Senate) to give me a large financial grant, I will research this problem because no one should have to live with A.S.D.

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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Beer And Taxes

I "borrowed" this from a post on the Facebook profile of a friend of mine.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3...
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. ‘Since you are all such good customers, he said, ‘I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’ They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.

But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

‘I only got a dollar out of the $20,’declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,’ but he got $10!’

‘Yeah, that’s right,’ exclaimed the fifth man. ‘I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!’

‘That’s true!!’ shouted the seventh man. ‘Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!’

‘Wait a minute,’ yelled the first four men in unison. ‘We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!’

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Author Unknown

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